Blue and New

Trigger warning: Diet talk, eating, weight loss, body image

Insert typical “new year, new me” mantras here and add in some additional unachievable resolutions. Is that what you’re expecting? Well, prepare to be underwhelmed!

I don’t actually hate new year’s resolutions, like some people seem do, and in recent times I have found a new year is a great driver for making successful changes in my life. But they have to be tied to some kind of measurable success criteria, or significant motivation. Otherwise I can lose interest, or worse still get sidetracked into some unwelcome behaviours.

For example, in 2018 I was all about getting fitter and healthier, and that was mainly driven by health concerns. I actually achieved that pretty well and was driven further by my engagement to my now husband. Actually not for our wedding, but our honeymoon! I wanted to be able to go somewhere warm and be able to cope with it, and have enough energy to do all the things we wanted to do. A previous holiday in Berlin had us experiencing a heatwave and I just couldn’t cope, it was unbearable. I was so sweaty and uncomfortable and I had to sit down every half an hour because I was so unfit. It was then that I realised how far I had fallen from where I was comfortable being.

I’m strongly into body positivity, but in a very much “do as I say, not as I do” kind of way! I have always been bigger than other people. I’m short but have big hips, bum and breasts. So even when I’m actually pretty thin, I don’t look that way. And my weight has fluctuated terribly over the last two decades, ranging from a size 12 to a size 24.

When I was a teenager in the 90s it was cool to wear 70’s-style clothes like flares, Adidas striped jackets and collared t-shirts. All my friends were tiny waif like girls (because we were young!), and they looked so much like the girls in bands on posters on my bedroom wall.

I always wanted to be thin like them, and even though I did dancing classes and played sports, I never was. In part this is because I like food, especially cake and chocolate, and I eat a lot of it. Unapologetically, mainly. But what I didn’t realise then is that it’s also just my body type.

Many of those friends tell me now how they wished they had my curves back then. I wished they had told me that at the time, it would have helped. My dad used to joke about my ‘thunder thighs’ and ‘footballer’s legs’, but I never realised then that these are because my legs are powerful, strong and full of muscle. Now I am proud of them.

I applaud people who are powerful, confident and are at home in their own skin. I want to be that way, but I’m not (not yet anyway). I realise that I have for too long focused on the scales, the numbers, the fat rolls. But it isn’t about that. For me the question is: what is it about inhabiting my body that makes me feel good? I feel good when I’m able to do the things I want to. I feel good when I feel I look good. I like feeling strong and powerful. I like feeling sexy sometimes.

So I realise I need to work on doing the things that make me feel that way, not dieting or trying to lose weight. That is what works for me, but everyone is different.

I’ve really beaten myself up this last year because I lost all the progress I made in 2018. The scales stopped going down, then eventually they went up. I was unwell for a large portion of the year, only finally getting a diagnosis recently of Asthma and Hypothyroidism. A lot of my time was spent feeling angry at myself for not being able to get off the sofa, when in fact I wasn’t giving pause to consider why that was.

So am I going to be starting a new diet or fitness regime? Is that what I’m really trying to say, and all of this is just waffle? Well, in a way…

I’ve lost where I was a year ago in my fitness levels, there is no denying that. I was happy then with where I was, what I could do physically and I’m keen to get back there. I also want my clothes to fit me again as I’ve gone up a dress size and I can’t afford a new wardrobe!

What I DON’T want to do is be obsessing about how many pounds up or down I am. So, I’m removing unhealthy accounts from my social media (meaning those obsessed with weigh ins and counting) and I’m concentrating on eating well and doing exercise, when I can. I’m not going to beat myself for not feeling well enough to do something. I’m not going to focus the scales, but how I feel. And, sometimes buying a nice dress or eating a piece of cake might be what I need.

Sometimes a big salad or a HIIT session at the gym might do it. Sometimes I might need to go to bed for two days. But overall it’s all about me feeling better in myself, and exactly how I achieve that doesn’t really matter. As long as I treat myself with love and patience.

That is my new year’s fitness resolution: finding comfort and peace in my own skin.