Not giving an EXPLETIVE!

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I am entering my thirty second year of life this year. It’s come around pretty quick! When I was 29 I spent a majority of the time worrying about turning 30. I told anyone who asked my age that I was 30, just so I’d have time to get used to it…I know. I felt like leaving my twenties behind was some kind of death knell of not only youth but the essence of my life. I’ve always gone to gigs, had a touch of punk sensibility, had tattoos and piercings, dressed and dated inappropriately. In my late twenties however my mother took these things as signs I was having an early mid life crisis and struggling to accept my age. She was right in one way, I was struggling, but actually the only constant was my ‘alternativeness’.
There was a small period where I tried to not be these things, tried to be the image of me I thought my job and friends and status needed. But that person was not me and that made me very unhappy. Then 30 happened, I embraced it with a grim smile and an 80’s themed birthday party. It was drunken fun and my family made the night superb. Good costumes by all too!

LIFE BEGINS AT 30

It really does. Suddenly I found myself transformed. I was there, I hadn’t died and nothing massive had changed. A calm descended upon me as I finally grew in to myself. My life started to take direction, I moved away from the faltering bad choices of my youth to clear and self assured life decisions.

I decided to move away, a fresh start perhaps but also as work in my area was scarce. First came a relationship, a non toxic, safe and sensible relationship with a really nice guy. Then came the decision to move to his city, as I already have friends here. Finally I found myself in a new job, a few pay grades lower than I’d like but enough, in an entirely new industry. My health both started to improve but also was treated and diagnosed properly so now I am able to move past previous issues. New but good friends have come into my life and strong bonds have been formed, the distance has tested the bonds of older friends but those that remain I know are true and real and the people that deserve space in my life. I got engaged (something I’d previously thought I’d never do and didn’t want!) and am happily planning a wedding for next year. I guess good things come to those who wait! I am careful to remind myself every day how lucky I am. Work wise I have gained confidence again and gone from strength to strength, learning lots and being promoted until I have landed myself an excellent job. I couldn’t be any happier.

These days I find I cut a more confident swathe through a crowd. I know who I am and I don’t care what you think. When I wore ripped tights, safety pins and caked black eye liner I thought I was punk. I thought I got it. I thought I was free. But now I work for the man, technically the government, because I genuinely believe I can make a difference from within. I wear what I want to wear, some times it’s rockabilly or rock chick, sometimes I wear suits, sometimes I wear hoodies and jeans. I listen to music from every genre with an open ear and absorb art from every artform with an open eye. I’m both more selfish and yet inclusive than I have ever been. I do what is best for me and if something is making me sad or uncomfortable or angry I let it go. I realise how short life can be and I don’t want to waste it. But conversely I am more tolerant of others and accepting of their faults and quirks. I listen to every side of the story and look to compromises when there is no right or wrong. I live my life for me and I try to make it a better place for all those who come along for the ride with me.

I genuinely couldn’t care more if I tried and what could be more punk than that?!

Beginnings

Poem One – http://www.napowrimo.net/

Let’s begin at the beginning, a very good place to start.

I need to begin.

Somewhere, somehow, I need to find the strength.

Why is it so hard you may ask?

Because to begin I need to

Embrace the end.

The point of a beginning is that it will end.

There is no point starting 

What you won’t finish.

And there’s the rub.

I’m not sure I’m ready to end.

To let it in,

To say what I need to.

I owe you those words that catch in my throat.

I owe myself a chance

to say goodbye.

No matter how hard.

And so to get to my destination, I will need

To Begin.

How many Sunday baths

Will it take?

Soaking away the dirt

And the past.

Until I vow to be reborn, clean and baptised

Into a newer version

Of the same old story.

By: Becky Bite

Living for Today

A quick, furtive glare at the hourglass
is a must I decide as I plait my hair
and shovel on the face I keep for lunching out.
My subtly brown lips smirk as I catch myself
in the mirror. The picture of elegance…I wish.
But as I prepare to leave I consult
my hourglass and stop dead in my tracks.
Where has all the sand gone? I have just half
left but where’s the rest?
Surely I cannot have lived for so long?
Surely I would have noticed life slip by somehow?
I scan the photographic memories on the walls,
searching for an answer,
searching for a hint of time passing, something,
anything, which might make sense.
But the attempt is futile, its nowhere to be found.
No answer, no hint, just so many questions.
And I wonder why the present, which is here, now, this minute,
is all too suddenly yesterday, before, gone.
As I ponder this I notice the black writing of my past
crouching in the corner, waiting to pounce,
perhaps I should leave now say my gold shaded eyes.
I pass by the hourglass and pay it no heed.
For this is today and I live for now.

By: Becky Bite

Pretend you don’t see her

You pretend you don’t see her
when she stands there in front of you,
when she strips off her layers of dignity
and paints herself with pretence.
You just don’t see it.

You pretend you can’t hear her
as she screams her quiet protests,
and when she throws your memories off the dresser
you try to ignore it.

You pretend you won’t speak to her
so she questions her answers
and when she puts on ideals for you
you fail to notice them.

You pretend you don’t see her
when she applies sensuality and lip gloss
and as her body sings its rhythms for you
you just won’t listen.

By: Becky Bite

Virgin

There is a girl who cries herself to sleep,
There is a girl who sings and dances in the summer
rain and laughs in the winter sun.
There is a girl who slashes her wrists with daisy
chains and jumps from rose petals.
There is a girl who shoots a shot and watches her
life fall around her feet.
There is a girl who wears long flowing skirts, she’s
caked with thick black eyeliner.
There is a girl who drowns in her own mind
and flies into the moon each night.
There is a girl who stands tall and straight
and wades into the sea.
There is a girl who reads poetry and
understands the world but cannot understand herself.
There is a girl who knows how to be sad
and how to be happy but cannot feel.
There is a girl whose hands bleed with
every breath she takes.
There is a girl who slowly climbs the stairs to
womanhood but hurries towards the ever after.
There is a girl who kills herself with every
word she utters.
There is a girl who can’t see anything as
she crumbles.
There is a girl who is always on my mind,
But only in MY head.

by: Becky Bite